Changes

Once again the words force themselves past my lips that would prefer to remain closed. To place the changes my path has brought upon me to the electric universe is a labor that brings release. My last post contains the fury I felt as I was caught within a holding pattern of the imminent death of my mother. Two years of watching my dear friend succumb to the ravages of cancer, a enemy that takes no prisoners. Similar indeed to the parasites of hell who suck the life force from my human family within this blue sphere of learning. My mother was a vibrant example of service to others, the world is lesser now she is gone. At least from this plane.

I am caught in an existential dilemma between the teachings of youth and the studies since, sacred cows that I have not been able to put to pasture. My desire for a relationship with God, verses this mortal plane that requires that we live on faith alone. I am not an atheist even though I posed the question in my last post, it was only one more plea for knowledge among the countless time before, and the efforts I suppose will last until the Lord has mercy and answers.  I will be satisfied by nothing less. All the doctrines and dogma of man have shown to be a honey trap for the credulous, most time a rationalization for acquiring more shiny shit, or satisfying the sexual urges placed on humankind to continue this school of hard knocks.

I have been under attack from the first time i took a step on the path to home, my material fortifications were soon overcome by the adversary, but I did not stop. I continued on this quest as my friendships fell apart, family turned against me, they asked why I couldn't be satisfied with a bowl of pottage, everyone else was. The path twisted upward through the mist of lies and deception, the trail  increasingly hard to see, I found myself on the plains of desolation, all lies, no truth, endless from horizon to horizon, all alone. The forces of darkness continued their assault on the inner workings of me. When I had peeled the onion of the external, finding all that is an illusion, a prison of personal desire for gratification, all the things that I believed were me swirled down the bowl as well.

I haven't been able to put the pieces back together yet, although the inner most core has not been phased, I still have the same desire that began this path so long ago, the eternal part of me is still here, even after the worst the enemy of life could do. And it gives me strength. I will continue, I can make it to my goal because it is the only goal worth striving for. you can make it too if you want it more than anything else.