Homesteading in the valley of death

Let us resume our conversation you and I, and speak words that have meaning, let us try to unravel this ball of twine that is meant to keep us in our cage, pacified and subdued. What cage you ask? We live in the land of the free and home of the brave, you say, well.... I must beg to differ. Just because the bars are not readily visible through the smoke and mirrors of lies and deception to the majority of my countrymen, busy at stuffing their faces with toxic goo passed off as food, attending their churches who teach them who Christ wants them to shame and kill, and watching endless hours of depravity passed off as entertainment, the bars are there none the  less. I was once like you, I bought into the same pack of BS that most all of us do, I went along to get along, the when in Rome kind of thing, and I live in a place where it has been a necessary accommodation to escape the stiff neck judgement of my community. A sort of camouflage to protect my budding spirit. For the last thirteen years I have worn this mask, riding the fence, hiding my thought and feelings from everyone, playing my cards close to the chest to gain the space to consider more deeply those things of meaning. Several times I have thought that I had found the bottom to my personal suffering and things must surely begin an ascent to a better understanding of this confusing and tortuous place to find that this rabbit hole of pain has an endless depth. I have had to accept the fact that I am the author off most all of my suffering, that I chose to feel the way I do, that my perceptions are the seeds of my struggle. and that makes things even worse. I am afraid that we put ourselves in hell, we don't need a final judgement.

I have found that the plains of desolation contains oasis's few and far between, places to restore the mind and body. Even during the worst of times we can find a place to draw breath devoid of the sulfur and brimstone of our own making. It seems more than passing strange to find peace and love as we struggle in this difficult test. To find laughter and joy amidst the rubble of the world of man bent on self destruction. In these places of peace we find companions who make the journey worthwhile. Sometimes our time with them is cut short for whatever reason giving us a reason to mourn, ships in the night as we all continue on the path of our choices. We learn to treasure these times we have because they are so fleeting, after a loss we lose the security blanket of believing things never change, although in our deepest heart we know all things do. We find how temporary this material world is, and this feeling causes us to look for a more substantial existence, we want to find what comes next, it must continue surely? We search for truth in our own individual ways, trying to complete the tasks that are given to us, the children of God, some do it unconsciously, some with more mindfulness, all of us with no certainty. The only thing I know is that I don't know anything.

My world view has narrowed over the last few months, as I read those things that convinced me I knew something in days gone by I realize that I am different now, irrevocably changed by my struggle, with no more knowledge than I had before, only a list of things shown to be incomplete or outright false assumptions. I still long for home brothers and sisters, my hope for better times is shaky. I know that you feel these things too, or you would not be reading my feeble attempts to make some sort of sense of where we find ourselves, I am learning that we must live on faith alone, and that I have in abundance If you see my fire in one of these oasis's come have a seat and enjoy the love we can find together. Love is all you need, as spoken by our kindred who have passed from view.  .

amen