Thursday, April 23, 2015

Fake it till you make it, a personal note

My family and the few close friends I have call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist, and accuse me of being a doom and gloom kind of guy. I am immune these days to the eye rolls and shrugs that always seem to accompany any sort of communication. Now, I don't carry a sign on main street declaring, "the end is coming" or use a bull horn to proclaim the destruction that is knocking on  our door, but I have no qualms about expressing my opinion on religion, politics, economics and sundry, I have a broken heart from watching the elite of this world killing and maiming my brothers and sisters for this illusion we call money. I can openly weep for the death of our planet, and all the varied life it supports, this pain is slowly killing me.

I can stand outside and watch as the chemtrails cloudy the once blue sky, I point it out to those who listen, and then retreat to their happy place of ignorance. With a few key strokes on any search engine you can find out that the state of Israel was responsible for the 9-11 attack, along with turncoat traitor quislings in our government, I can plead with people to Google the fuckashima disaster, to understand the largest ocean on our home planet is dying, and tell them we are next. I point out the all out assault on American citizens by the police forces who once were our protectors and friends. Beyond any doubt the international bankers have robbed our country of trillions of dollars, laundered drug money, and used the us military to force the world to bend to the banksters wet dream of owning the world. Our own government arms the drug cartels who are killing our children with their poison, indeed our government and it's war on drugs have stamped out any competition to their monopoly on dealing them to the world. The political corruption that is no longer hidden in dark smoky backrooms is now televised and cataloged by bloggers and journalists much more adept than this hill billy carpenter I have turned out to be. For years I have watched the vile darkness gather, and spread corrupting any and all who come into contact with it, I watch as my loved ones bow to the overlords of humanity, hoping that they will not be singled out of the herd and destroyed, they beg me to keep still my tongue and not to antagonize those who seemingly have all the power that this world offers to those who would compromise their humanity for the thirty pieces of silver that they need to feed their children.

I have been under employed, slandered, marginalized, and made the butt of countless jokes. Brutalized emotionally by those who are supposed to love me most. They tell me to keep quiet so I can get a good job, to prepare for my retirement, to fall into step with them and learn to enjoy the pleasures that being a good little citizen of empire brings. But I can't. I would not unring the bell of knowledge even if it were possible.I can not choose to be a lackey for the multi death corporations that are intent world domination, I will not sell my soul for a bowl of pottage, I would rather starve, and be homeless, which I am close enough to now that the grim reality stares me in the face every morning. I am losing my desire to live in this hellhole day by day, not suicidal, but fatalistic, what will be will be. But I know this is not how the children of God should be living.

For twenty years at least I have prayed, and meditated, searched the scriptures and tried to find some way to have a relationship with the magic man in the sky, to serve his children like I think he would want, to contact an earth spirit, or angel who could lead me to a better understanding of who I am. My faith has been unswerving, my persistence and dedication all consuming, I have studied ancient and modern texts to find an answer that satisfies and fills the gaping wound in my spirit. This hole is something we all have, and cries to us to be filled with love and compassion for one another, and for knowledge of a creator whose existence can be reasoned out easily enough. I have found many who speak of such relationships, who tell me many ways this hole can be filled, having done it themselves, they say. Perhaps my criteria is more demanding than what we are allowed in this world, or it could be that I am at fault, or broken, or a failed human being not deserving the slightest sign or spiritual awakening. I went into a room and fasted and prayed for six days one time, until my wife threatened me with calling in the authorities to make me eat, I had planned for it to end in understanding or death, for this effort I earned nothing but an empty belly and considered crazy by those whom I love.

Nothing, no reply, no understanding or direction to turn, and having to watch the end of mankind unable in even a small way to ease the suffering of others let alone myself. The last five years has taken all my strength and hope and endurance and changed it to despair.

God, if you are reading this blog, let your heart be moved with compassion and allow me to be your servant in service to my brothers and sisters. Friends, pray for me and one another, we can't live like this. I am out.

I think I'm done. 

Hell yea

No comments:

Post a Comment